Appreciation

 

Why is it we only appreciate things when they're about to be ripped away from us or - worse - after we've already lost them?  Is it immaturity? The value of something increases only because we can't have it anymore? Or a minor form of hubris?  We get too set in our ways and take for granted that it may not last forever?

The other day I was griping to my husband about how being unemployed and having nothing to do all day isn't what it's cracked up to be.  After a while, it is possible (although it took a REALLY long time with me) to get tired of doing nothing.  What do they say? "Be careful what you wish for"?  Or to turn it around -  

"Be careful what you complain about."

Tomorrow I start a new job.  Back to the ol' 9 to 5 (actually, 9 to 6).  

Sigh.

This is good news. 

I know deep down it is.  I like spending money - and in order to spend, (ideally) you have to make money. In order to make money, you have to have a job.  And hopefully that job is something you don't suck at, hate, or causes bodily/psychological harm.  And that's what I've been handed. On a silver platter, in fact.  A contract position (so I don't feel THAT guilty about hiding the fact that I was 5 months pregnant at the interview), paying exactly what I was making at my last "good" job, working at a small ARCHITECTURAL firm (I put that in all caps b/c my last job was NOT at an architectural firm, and - frankly - it sucked), doing residential and commercial work.  It's pretty much exactly what I was looking for in a job.  And since it's contract, I won't have pesky deductions for 401k's or medical insurance - so in fact, I'll be bringing home MORE than I was a year ago.  Pretty darn awesome.  

I am grateful, don't get me wrong.

So... why do I feel like someone's told me I have to lose my left arm?  OK, maybe that's a little melodramatic.  But it definitely feels like an END.  My Life of Leisure is coming to a close, and although the benefits (I know, I know) outweigh the negatives, I don't think shedding an imaginary tear is overreacting. 

So long, sleeping in.  Bye bye, vegging out.  Adieu, punching at the iPad for hours surfing the net, playing Solitaire and Scrabble, and checking my personal email every 3 minutes.

Hello, again, Career.  

Did you miss me, Commute? (OK, it's only 15 minutes away)

Alas, Appreciation. Why is it you're always the last guest to arrive at the party... just before the cops break it up?

JT

Last weekend, my husband and I decided to get away to Joshua Tree for a couple days.  Partly to extricate me from the apartment that I've been stuck in for weeks straight, day in, day out, unpacking and cleaning etc.  And partly to celebrate our 2-year wedding anniversary.

My husband's maternal side of the family owns a "cabin" just a couple miles outside the entrance to the Monument.  I put cabin in quotes because when I was first dating him, and he'd speak about this cabin - I imagined something much grander than what it ended up being... which is a perfectly respectable, albeit humble, one-bedroom abode.  Hey, it's got indoor plumbing and a garbage disposer in the kitchen sink. I certainly do not take for granted said amenities considering the boony-esque locale of the place.

Actually, I really enjoy our trips out there - so long as we avoid the hot season (May through September), there is definitely something priceless about the ability to just pack an overnight bag, drive a couple hours, and feel like you're thousands of miles from civilization.  The cabin has no TV or telephone.  It's near some great terrain for rock climbing, hiking, and just plain wandering.  And - as I mentioned - it's minutes away (by car) from the Joshua Tree National Park.  Within the Park, there are even more and better opportunities for hiking, camping, and rock climbing.  Not to mention the stunning vistas. 

I think there's something ingrained in all Americans brought up west of the Mississippi where we get weak in the knees just looking at truly awe-inspiring landscapes.  The harsh beauty of crags, boulders, and canyons seems to ignite a primeval tie to the land and how it's shaped our universal subconscious.  Yeah, snow falling on cedars is pretty and dew-dampened meadows are serene - but give us the Red Rocks of Colorado and Utah's magnificent Bryce Canyon any day.  Tahoe/Mammoth vs. Stowe/Sugarloaf is no contest.

Aside from the gorgeous land-based scenery in Joshua Tree, my husband is an avid stargazer.  He has a very nice amateur's telescope and one of our favorite things to do out in the desert is flip through a recent Sky & Telescope or our DK Astronomy book, find constellations, then study a specific star, cluster, or - our favorite - nebula.  This past visit, we enjoyed looking at Jupiter and four of its moons, the Orion nebula, and the Pleiades cluster. We could have sat out there into the wee hours had it not become overcast.  What little we were able to view was nonetheless exciting and thought-provoking.

Landscapes have an uncanny way of grounding you, but only the stars can take your breath away...

FLOR-ed

As my husband says, I've become one of "those women".

Those women who sit at home all day, of which the high point consists of receiving the packages they ordered for themselves online.

Yes, I have become one of those women.
Over the past 7 days, I've been on a spending spree - both online and in person. I've bought baby stuff, rugs, bathroom accessories, kitchen organizers, a vacuum, and more rugs. I don't even want to know how much I've spent in all. But let's just say the highlights were probably the $300 trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and the ridiculously expensive crib bedding set I bought at AllModernBaby.com. I also purchased stuff from Ikea, esalerugs.com, cb2.com, potterybarn.com, Target (of course), and Amazon.com.

Today, I'm excited because a bathroom hook, 2 runners (rugs) for our bedroom, a bathroom rug, and a slipcover for our big blue sofa (the one pictured in my blog titleblock) are due to arrive. Yesterday, we got the coat hook and kitchen sink mat. The day before that was my BB&B run, and the crib bedding arrived.
It's like Christmas every day, I tell ya!!
I was also delighted to receive an email from flor.com, saying that my carpet tiles (for the dining area and hallway) have shipped! Woohoo!

I don't know why I've been in such a buying frenzy - could be hormones (isn't nesting supposed to start in the THIRD trimester?), the move (new apartment deserves new stuff - yeah!), or sheer boredom (online shopping beats American soap operas any day). I think it didn't manifest itself last time I moved because the last time I moved was when I got married and we were getting stuff from our registry for weeks. Every day, whoever came home first had the privilege of looking out our front door to see if there were any black and white boxes from Crate and Barrel, or brown boxes from Sur La Table. That, hand in hand with some good old fashioned registry-stalking must have sated my appetite for binging via pocketbook. Ah, the good old days. Now I have to create my own consumerist bonanza...

So back to my carpet tiles.  I am really, REALLY excited about my carpet tiles!  This company, Flor, has been manufacturing them for years - and it's supposedly a great company (watch its CEO/Founder on The Corporation if you want to know why) with a green streak and a heart of gold.  I originally wanted ALL my area rugs to be carpet tiles - I loved the idea of its flexibility, creativity, and durability.  Plus, for some of the styles anyway, the prices are quite affordable.  Alas, my husband got his way and we got our two large-size rugs (for the living room and the office/nursery) from Ikea.
I have to admit it was for a steal.  We had a $150 Amex gift card, so when it was all said and done - we got a 7x10' and 5x8' rug for $175 out of pocket.

I had ordered the bedroom rugs (two 2.5x9' runners for either side of the bed) online very early on because esalerugs.com was having a "Buy 1 Get 1 Free" sale, and I knew even the carpet tile prices couldn't beat them.

So instead I was left with the dining area (about 7x7') and the hallway (about 3.5x7.5').  I went to the Flor showroom in Santa Monica twice - playing around with their swatches and full-size samples (ALL of their tiles are a standard 19.7x19.7", but you can have them cut into half, thirds, or quarters for a nominal surcharge).  It was so fun! Maybe because I haven't gotten to use my creative side in a job for so long, but being able to mix and match carpet tiles became the highlight of my week... month... maybe even, year!

Granted, I wasn't doing this in my actual apartment - so it'll be a nice "surprise" when the actual tiles come (via FedEx) and I see how the colors work in their actual designated spots.  Until they do, I'll just have to make do, playing with my new slipcover and bath mat.

Welcome to the Sunny Side

There was a song I learned at summer camp when I was young.  I think it's called "Stay on the Sunny Side".  The refrain went something like this:

Stay on the Sunny Side,
Always on the Sunny Side!
Stay on the Sunny Side of Life!
You'll feel no pain
As they drive you insane,
If you stay on the Sunny Side of Life!

I think it's a song about denial. Or promotion of anti-depressants. I find myself humming that tune as I stumble through the pseudo-organized chaos that is moving.  Maybe it's calming me down.  Maybe it's a sign that I've completely lost my marbles.  Either way, here's an update on how our move went!

Firstly, the packing.
I think I already made it abundantly clear how much my body and psyche do not like packing.  But after my nervous breakdown on Friday, there was definitely a light at the end of the tunnel.  After all, admitting you have a problem is half the battle - right? So over the weekend, with my husband's help, we purged, piled, and packed.  It was good that the weekend was broken up with two family dinners - one with my brother, sister-in-law, and cousins on Saturday night (Bistro 45 in Pasadena); and the other was dinner with my parents and my husband's parents on Sunday night (Lawry's in LA).  Those meals definitely gave us something to look forward to each morning - and it always helps to have good food & (just a little bit of) wine in your belly as fuel/reward for all the hard work.

Come Monday morning, I was ready.  My headaches, although still there, were definitely bearable - and my only concern now was "supervising" the movers.


Second, the move.
The movers were supposed to show up at 8am on Monday morning.  They came at noon.

Yes, that's right.

They were FOUR HOURS LATE.

At one point, I just gave up on the idea that we'd be moving that day.  I calculated in my head how difficult it would be to put the bed back together, dig up the sheets, pillows, and comforters and find our toothbrushes.  I also wondered whether it would even be possible to get another moving company to come out the very next day.

Allegedly, the reason for the delay was a scheduling mixup.  The company had two moves that day - and they accidentally sent both trucks and both sets of movers to the one address, and nobody to mine.  And allegedly that other job was way across town - so by the time they realized the mistake, decided who to send to us, and (probably a stop for some chow and a beer since now their day/shift had been extended by 3-4 hours) got to our apartment - my husband had left for work and my mom had driven up from Orange County to help out.

I will say that once they got to our place, they were very courteous, clean, professional, and fast.  The whole move, from when they pulled up in front of our old place to when we shook hands and they drove away from the new place, was under 6 hours. That may sound like a long time, but I'd like to emphasize at this point that we have a LOT of stuff.  Furniture-wise, I'd say we're slightly above average.  But Stuff-wise, I think we could win a record.

I am actually not a hoarder by nature - but I am lazy.  So even though I have stuff that I know we don't use or need anymore, I'm too lazy to do anything about it.  My husband is more diligent than I - but he has trouble letting go of things.  Yeah, it's a great combo.

But that's what moves are for, right? It gives you an opportunity/excuse to go through all your belongings and really ask yourself:  Really?  Do I really need this? Do I use this? Do I even LIKE this??

Lastly, the unpacking.
This is still a work in progress - but it's SO much better than packing and moving.  My headaches are virtually gone (the ones that remain I'm realizing are more associated with how often I eat/drink rather than stress-related).

I enjoy the feeling of a blank slate - which is what a new place symbolizes to me.  There's no clutter (yet).  There's no mess (yet).  The shelves lay bare, eagerly awaiting my ingenious method of organization and storage.

Granted, there are a TON of boxes. But I take comfort in the thought that every single thing in those boxes will eventually find a home in this, our new home.  And if it doesn't - well then it's going in the trash.

Cuz that's how we do on the Sunny Side.

Point Break

No, this isn't about the Keanu Reeves/Patrick Swayze 1991 cult classic.
(It's becoming more and more obvious that I'm a sucker for misleading post titles though, eh?)
This post is about how I went to the doctor's office this morning for the second time in 3 days and began sobbing inconsolably in the arms of my obstetrician - to whom I probably won't ever go back again (and not because of today's events).

To start at the VERY beginning would probably mean delving into some repressed childhood memories and taking a psychoanalytical look at why I (don't) deal with stress the way I do.   I'll save us all the time suck and extreme discomfort that would cause.

The bottom line is that I've been stressed out lately - and I haven't been dealing with it.

Why am I stressed out?   
1. I'm unemployed. Again.
2. I'm pregnant.
3. I'm moving.

Any one of these things at a time, I'd have been able to handle (I think).  But all three at once has resulted in blinding migraines, lethargy, and some weepiness.  Yay hormones!

I think my absence from blogging has been a symptom of this recent malaise.  Unless someone has been around to kick me in the butt, I've basically done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING since - oh - just before Christmas.  The only packing I've done for the move is when my mom came over and basically did it for me while I watched.  The only "job-hunting" I've done is to reply to my friend's email regarding some potential contract work.  And I haven't been eating as healthy as I should - and sometimes I even forget to take my prenatal vitamins (shudder).  Oh, and I didn't go to yoga 2 weeks in a row.

So far during this whole pregnancy-thing, I've gone through the following phases every month like clockwork:
Phase I.  Two or so weeks of Feeling Normal.  I'm my usual self - not too emotional, not too lazy, not too productive.
Phase II.  A week or so of Extreme Lethargy/Laziness.  Sleep in, can't be bothered to do much, we eat out a lot this week.
Phase III. A week or so of Extreme Productivity.  Wake up early, get sh!# done, clean, cook, launder, no problem.
Then back to Phase I.

In late December, I felt myself slithering into Phase II - the extremely lazy phase.  And I figured - well, just a week of this and I'll be on to Productive Phase III - and just in time for the big move!

But alas, instead, I became even more lethargic and started getting these headaches on the right side of my head that wouldn't go away, and - in fact - got steadily worse over the past 3 days.  I saw my obstetrician for a monthly visit on Wednesday, but didn't mention the headaches because I knew they're fairly common during pregnancy and my other vitals were normal.  But after talking with my father (a physician and the same man who made me think I might die from my cat scratch/bite earlier last year), it got me thinking that it might be something more serious (which I must have already subconsciously feared) so I called my doctor this morning and went in as a walk-in patient.

After the usual 20-minute wait in the waiting room, and another 20-minute wait in the "second" waiting room , I finally saw the doc.  It was over before it began.  I was already tearing up as he checked my blood pressure and my deep tendon reflexes.  By the time he sat down to face me and stared me in the eye and asked what was wrong, I was hiccuping and my nose was running.  Oh, what a mess I was.

He asked if I had any stress, and the flood gates broke open.  I don't know if it's because he's an elderly Korean man - like my father - or if I just was so concerned that something might be wrong with the baby but couldn't admit it... but, man.  It was bad.  The next 20 minutes were a blur.  After crying for 5 minutes in the bathroom (having been told to leave a urine sample) I think I did the deed, then stumbled out of the office.  I went down to my car and called my mom, then my husband - to let them know everything was normal.  Afterward, I drove to a nearby Jamba Juice, still crying.  I had to sit in the car to gather myself and blow my nose, but the kid in Jamba Juice still stared at my puffy eyes and red nose, and spoke VERY soothingly as he took my order.  Such a nice young kid...

Anyway, the lesson here is that I've been stressed out - but I haven't been owning up to it.  Everyone's been asking me how the move is, how the pregnancy is, how being unemployed is.  And my response is always "fine, fine, fine".  And in reality - everything is fine.  I (apparently) have my health.  All moves are stressful.  And although our household income has shrunk, we're still making ends meet.  And most importantly, the baby's fine.

But just because everything's fine, doesn't mean I can't get stressed out and worry and prepare for the worst.  And when my head starts hurting, but there's no physiological reason for it - it's probably because I'm keeping too much inside.

Game Plan now:
- Get out of the house. Get some fresh air. Take a walk.
- Drastically decrease my sodium intake, eat more veggies, take my vitamins.
- Ignore all the empty boxes and piles of possessions that haven't been packed yet - and just deal with it when I'm ready.  (Preferably before the movers come at 8 am on Monday morning.)
- Go to yoga next Tuesday!

Happy Friday, Everyone!

PS: I wasn't planning on going back to that obstetrician because once we move, we'll be 40 minutes from the hospital he works at - so I need to find another doctor/hospital that's closer to the new place.  Great.  That'll be a barrel of fun.