Hello, my name is Allison... and I'm a Twi-Hard.

I didn't want to write this post because I didn't want what I'm about to divulge to be public knowledge.

I am so hesitant, in fact, to go on with this entry that I wrote that first sentence above and literally just stared at my screen for a very long time.  I am afraid, embarrassed, and rueful.  I am terrified of what my fingers will let slip - the decrease in opinion and the shifting levels of respect that will occur after you finish reading this.

I have been sucked into the Twilight universe - "unconditionally and irrevocably". 
(Yeah, I just "quoted" Twilight.  Sigh.)

If you haven't at least heard of the 4-book series, written by a Mormon mother-of-3, Stephanie Meyer, then you probably also haven't heard of the Internet, sliced bread, or electricity.  The Twilight saga - as it's often referred - was published between 2005 and 2008.  The first film came out in 2007, and if you live in a small town or have a bargain theatre nearby, the third installment - Eclipse - is still playing.  The fourth & fifth films are due out in 2011 & 2012 respectively.


It almost doesn't matter what the books are about.

The reason I'm writing this isn't because I now believe in vampires, or that I long to find my "Edward", or even that I value the "love story" aspect of the books at all.  I am writing this as a sort of catharsis - a dialectical purging of all the nonsensical gibberish that has bombarded my mind & body since I started reading these damned books.  And I do not use the word "damned" lightly.

To knock Stephanie Meyer's writing, I believe, is a fan's weak attempt to dislodge and debase some of his/her own fervor.  Like an alcoholic parent telling their child, "Don't drink beer - it tastes like crap."  Yes, in some respects that may be true - but the real reason behind the statement is the parent's greedy fear of keeping their beloved liquid unattractive to new prospects & potential competition.  The writing is simple, straightforward, and honest.  (The editing, on the other hand, deserves much criticism.)  Meyer - in fact - is talented.  She has somehow taken sloppy grammar and a severely limited lexicon and weaved it into a fine, tightly bound mesh that quickly and firmly envelops the reader.  To call these books "page-turners" is perhaps one of the harshest understatements of all time.  And to disregard her writing is to ignore the very reason that this series is an international phenomenon.

Oh, did I mention the melodrama?

Everything about Twilight is EXTREMELY MELODRAMATIC.
1.   The base storyline is melodramatic:  The most normal and plainest girl falls torridly in love with the one vampire who is most attracted to her blood.  Her best friend, a shape-shifting werewolf & arch nemesis of vampires, falls madly in love with her.  Enter love triangle, stage left.  And, action.
2.   The characters are melodramatic:  Edward - the only one of his "family" who hasn't paired up yet.  Bella - the ridiculously selfless, trouble-prone daughter from a broken home.  Jacob - the hot-blooded, ever growing, ever bulging, Native American with a disabled father, deceased mother, and fierce tribal ties that bind.
3.   The setting is melodramatic:  A small town in Washington that is almost constantly draped in mist & clouds.  High school.
4.   The writing tone is melodramatic:  Hello? The whole (well, almost) story is told from the point of view of a teenage girl!

The extreme melodrama manifests in an emotional roller coaster and gripping romance that left me utterly exhausted.  It also left my heart aching.  It also derailed my psychological well-being, my sleep schedule, and my level of concentration at work, behind the wheel, during conversations with friends, family, my husband...

But the kicker! Oh, the kicker!  The reason I know this series of books has REALLY had an effect on me - I've lost my appetite.

Sound the gong and light the warning fire!  Pigs are flying and hell hath frozen over!

For those of you who don't know me, I eat.  I love eating.  I could eat more after I've done eating... and then have dessert.  I like to talk about food while I'm ingesting and digesting it.  My stomach knows no bounds.  My appetite has a mind of its own.  I've never been very successful at dieting because that switch that some people have in their heads - the one they can just flip to "off" and they just don't eat, or they stop eating when they're full?  I don't have that switch.  Never have.

So for me to lose my appetite - for food to have lost all taste and savory and appeal to me - this is a HUGE DEAL, people.  HUGE.

Something about the suspenseful, undulating story that is the Twilight saga has made me addicted to that heartachy, unfulfilled, and ever-longing feeling.  I think being hungry allows me to wallow in and revisit those initial raw feelings I had when I first began reacting to Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and then - finally - Breaking Dawn. (Oh, and don't forget the first 160-odd pages of Midnight Sun - y'know, Twilight written from Edward's perspective? Available online in PDF format at Stephanie Meyer's website.  Yeah, I read that too.)

I still eat my meals, mind you.  Lunch & dinner, everyday.  I'm not a masochist.  I don't think I've lost any noticeable weight.  I just find myself holding off better between meals.  I don't snack anymore.  When I do sit down to a meal, I don't scarf it down with as much delight and relish.  I stop eating well before I'm full (or overstuffed - which is when I used to stop eating), and when I'm done I don't promptly start thinking about my next meal (which is also what I used to do).  One of my favorite things to do currently is re-read portions of the Twilight series while my stomach grumbles.  Fighting off hunger until I just can't stand it, trying to satisfy my physical appetite by consuming the hunger-ridden words on the page.

Perhaps this is just a phase, and it will wear off with time.  As the draw of the Twilight saga lessens and I once again get absorbed into the trivial pursuits of daily life, I'm sure I'll be back to my borderline food addict ways.

But until then, what an idea! How to market such a wonder!

The Twilight diet.  And you heard it here first.